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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25391665">You Allow Me To Feel</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/CatherineWinner/pseuds/CatherineWinner'>CatherineWinner</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Old Guard (Movie 2020)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Fluff and Angst, Fluffy Ending, Grief/Mourning, Immortal Husbands Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani/Nicky | Nicolò di Genova, Internal Conflict, M/M, bickering couples, processing emotions</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 12:28:25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>752</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25391665</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/CatherineWinner/pseuds/CatherineWinner</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Joe cared little for the communities that rose and fell in the millennia that they travel to each small town and booming city. It was enjoyable enough to dance in their streets, consume their beverages and be treated to their arts. It was worth his time to fight battles to protect their ways of life…. But they offered him nothing. These communities with their dance, drinks, and people offered him nothing compared to a moment with Nicky. </p><p>AKA : Joe is jealous of Nicky's affection for humanity.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani/Nicky | Nicolò di Genova</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>182</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>You Allow Me To Feel</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Unbetaed....I'm so sorry in advance<br/>Got this in my head so here it is...it was def a shower thought that stuck around for a bit. :p<br/>Dude...this movie...literally watched it every day. I am sustained by this film &amp; fandom! Ya'll rock! &lt;3</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“It doesn’t matter why he did it! I don’t care what his story is or why he feels it was acceptable to place our lives in the hands of monsters willing to pull us apart from the inside.” This was becoming an old fight between them. Nile had vanished right after dinner when the discussion was broached. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He has been alone for a long time. We are older than him by many years, and yet we have not known that grief or that aching empty feeling that spades centuries.” NIcky kept his voice level and calm, but Joe could hear the passion and righteousness building. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He lied. It was a betrayal.” Joe spits out, his anger building. </span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>It was a month since Andy’s funeral and 35 years after they parted ways from Booker. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Joe, Nickey and Nile had traveled together and this conversation had always been ever present. Nile and Nickey against Joe. But this evening over dinner Nile had sensed that the tension was building to a point beyond her involvement and had excused herself early. She knew to let them process, they would always come to a place of understanding.</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>“We have lived too many life times, we have felt too much pain and we have seen the world from too many perspectives to believe in absolutes.” The passion in NIcky’s voice begins to override the grief.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Joe falls silent, his anger continues to soak into the moment. He will not be dissuaded from his anger. He will not give in to what Nicky wants, not in this moment, not in this matter.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Andy is gone, we have lost one of our own. Why willingly keep another away from us?” Nicky’s grief is evident in his words, his desperation to cope with overwhelming pain in the way he was taught. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Connection. Nicky moved through the world, focusing on the connections and community, however brief, that humanity offered to him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Joe knew this about his lover, welcomed and admired it. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But resented it. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Joe cared little for the communities that rose and fell in the millennia that they travel to each small town and booming city. It was enjoyable enough to dance in their streets, consume their beverages and be treated to their arts. It was worth his time to fight battles to protect their ways of life.... But they offered him nothing. These communities with their dance, drinks, and people offered him nothing compared to a moment with Nicky. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He fought for Nicky each time he went to war, each mission he plotted and planned, he fought for Nicky’s hope and faith in the people of the world. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Joe resented Nicky’s compassion and hope in the matter of Booker.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And Joe read each of these thoughts and feelings off Nicky’s face and gave him a soft smile. He leaned forward, cupping Nicky’s cheek and pressed a gentle kiss to his lover’s lips. He left his hand on Nicky’s face as he pulled back to look at him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You don’t need to forgive him, my heart. Your devotion to my protection is what fuels my passion for hope in others. If you, the man who was born and bred to kill me could make such a shift in your heart, then anything is possible. We can all change and improve, we only need time and connection.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Joe bit a sharp come back as he realized his lover had maneuvered him into just the place he had wanted him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Nicky was still leaning close, his breath warm and welcoming. Nicky realized he didn’t feel as strongly than he had a moment ago. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You are the center of my world.” Joe muttered, a small part of him ashamed with the level of desperation in the truth of those words.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You are the center of my heart, you allow me to feel... </span>
  <em>
    <span>everything</span>
  </em>
  <span>.” Nicky muttered before leaning back towards his lover’s lips.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Later, they would discuss it more. Joe would give in, but only for a visit. A beer to properly honor Andy but nothing more, Booker still had time to do. Yet in 65 years Joe looked forward to regaining his connection with his best friend...</span>
  <em>
    <span>damn</span>
  </em>
  <span> Nicky and his hope. It spreads.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Later still, Nicky would be fast asleep when Joe released a millennia of doubt and insecurity. They were each other’s everything. Joe felt slight embarrassment over his jealousy over humanity’s place in Nicky’s heart, but no more. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They fell asleep wrapped together, and he was achingly thankful for </span>
  <em>
    <span>this </span>
  </em>
  <span>connection.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thanks for reading! &lt;3</p></blockquote></div></div>
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